I thought I saved a kitten but

I was running yesterday (funny how a lot of my blogs start out with 'I was running') and I came across a kitten on the sidewalk. It was the puniest kitten i have ever seen. It was so skinny that you could see the bones moving in the main part of the body when it moved. There was gunk in its eyes (I later learned that this was due to respiratory problems) and it looked like something had ripped out a patch of fur from its side. Every time it tried to meow, no sound came out, but you could tell it was trying. It looked frail but was still walking around and came up to sniff my shoes. When I looked closer though, I realized that not only was fur ripped out, but there was an internal organ sticking out of the wound. It looked like it had dried out and wasn't bleeding anymore, but it looked bad. So here is my dilemma: let nature take its course and probably let the kitten die, or take it to the shelter or vet. Well there was a plastic bag on the street so I tried to put the kitty in there. Didn't work, plus it would have been kind of awkward to carry no?

Ikeptrunningbutdon'tworry i. came. back! This time with a cardboard box, yellow rubber gloves, and an address that would hopefully save this little sweetie's life. I was so scared that the kitten would be gone when I got back, but he was hiding out in an overturned trash can to avoid the intense heat. His wound was bleeding because he had chewed and torn and licked it. So here I was trying to coax this kitten out of the trash can with my head practically in the trash can, and out pulls a car from the house that these trash cans belong to. I must have been quite a sight...a crazy lady talking into a seemingly empty trash can. Luckily I explained the situation to her, so we both stuck our heads into the trash can to get the kitten in the box. Well I ended up carrying her and putting her in the box, which I hated doing because I didn't want to injure him further and also because I could feel every bone in his body as I lifted him up. I took him to the shelter and when the lady looked into the box and saw the wound, she said that he was dying and might not make it. They took it to the vet in an animal ambulance, and I said I would call back the next day to find out what happened.

I called today. they told me they had to put him down because it was too involved. Basically fixing up the kitty would have cost more than they were ready to pay. How much would it have cost? Would I be willing to pay the price? I can't say that I would. But what if the cat had been a person? A stranger? What would the price be then, and would I pay it? How far would I be willing to go to help or love someone? How deep does that capacity go?

into marvelous light i'm running
out of darkness
OUT OF SHAME

humans are so silly. why is it that everyone walks around as if they are okay when sometimes things are clearly not? when someone genuinely asks, "how are you?" i can recall the hundreds of times i've responded "i'm okay, thanks" when really inside i was not okay at all. everyone is so afraid of vulnerability we put on these masks of stoicism. if i had a cut and you had a cut and we both saw that the other person had a cut, wouldn't it make sense to just help each other out and love the other person? the only difference is that hurt or pain on the inside can't be seen. shouldn't it follow the same rules though? if you have a bruise on your heart and i have one too...lets share and cry together and just be honest and try to ease the pain. i understand that it's hard to be vulnerable, and it's unrealistic to think you'll be able to share and be friends with everyone, but if only we could be honest and not try to fudge our feelings away in public. We're human, and God made us to feel all these things. I just wish we could admit that more. When i feel heart ache it makes me long for heaven when we can worship God as a community, as a perfect church, and be happy. that thought makes me feel better because i know that someday that day will come.

i've realized that idleness really does bring on idolatry and sin. when i'm idle i fall into temptation to just do whatever i want, whenever i want to. and when my soul is troubled, i haven't disciplined myself to turn to God and just cry out to him like the psalmist in Psalms 42. Instead i distract myself with things that aren't worth my time and throw myself in these things with a kind of reckless abandon. this summer i have watched two shows that were cancelled before a satisfactory conclusion could be offered. first show was "My So Called Life" with Claire Danes, and the second show i've been watching is "Joan of Arcadia." Both have the typical teenage drama and cute love story, and i've always been a sucker for romance. There is something about a tv show where you know the two people who seem so right for each other will probably end up together eventually, at least for a time. the writers can't help but do what the audience wants to watch, and the audience wants to watch two people who are totally in love with each other. the producers pretty much have no choice but to make it happen. i get so engrossed in their love stories and the suspense that i totally tune out the love story that has already happened and is also in my present. God's love for me, Jesus' sacrifice for me, and the love that continues even when mine seems to stop. Oh if only I weren't so fickle, then I could truly absorb and be fascinated and this unfolding love story instead of the fake one created onscreen.

today i was at the gym on the elliptical listening to a C.J Mahaney sermon entitled "Troubled Soul," because well, these past two days, maybe even for a larger part of the summer, things have kind of been that way. the gym is kind of loud, what with all those machines squeaking and cranking under the weight of overeager exercisers. listening to music is easy because the volume of the song is generally at a constant and it's just the background music that swells occasionally. plus it's predictable. listening to C.J. Mahaney was difficult though. One minute he's speaking at barely a whisper, an the next second his voice is raised and he's talking in a booming tenor. i was constantly turning the volume up to catch his quiet intense words of wisdom, and then turning the volume down so my ears wouldn't fall off when he spoke with passion. sometimes i do that with God too. when He's trying to tell me things quietly, i'll turn up the volume to try to hear it. But he doesn't want the volume turned up, because he's trying to tell it to me softly. When he is trying to make a more obvious point though, i try to turn the volume down because honestly i don't always want to hear it. God's voice is not a volume we can just adjust at our own disposal though.

so school is starting soon. there are a lot of changes this year that i'm not exactly looking foward to. change and I don't go well together. we're like...chocolate and anchovies (haha i googled "two tastes that don't go well together" for that combination. see here. i could have just gone with oil and water but that's boring). but change can be good too. i must keep telling myself this, and hope and have faith that God will see me through.

7 things I gotta say

1) email people back right away. It's not even that I forget, but I put it off for a day or two (or three or more) to respond. The first time I read the email I give it a cursory glance and look at it more thoroughly later. I don't really know why..it has almost become a habit. A bad habit.

2) call people back. Same deal as above. But for some reason I don't really like to talk on the phone. In middle school, I was all about it. Talked to some people 7x a day on the phone (which was craziness), but I didn't mind it at all. Now sometimes I just want to shut out the world. Sad huh? This is not what Jesus has called me to do.

3) stop watching so much tv. I watch a lot, even when I don't even like the show all that much. It's a distraction, it's easy, and sometimes I almost feel like I need it. Is this called an addiction?

4) Take responsibility of life. I need to spend my time more wisely. Just..my room is a mess. It only takes about 15 minutes to clean it but somehow I don't. I always plan to, but it never gets done. Devos too. If I'm looking for a Godly man in the future who loves God and is faithful and diligent and disciplined, yet I can't do that myself..what kind of double standard is that? And not just because of that, but because my God deserves it, and I am stealing that away from Him.

5) Serve whole heartedly. Love serving, love worship. This is a heart thing that I need to work on, that God needs to work on.

6) Pray. I forget prayer a lot. A lot. It's a direct line to God and I'm missing out.

7) Stop letting Satan tell me lies about myself, about other people. If I could stop listening to all the junk and just focus on what God says, that would be marvelous.

I have been struggling with all this stuff for a while. And I wish I could say I'm working on it, but I don't think I've really started, truly started "working on it" yet. But I really want to. I really do. So do it right? I'll try.

On thursday I went for a run

to the library and saw two trees with their branches extended towards one another as if hugging, or shaking hands. It was the only part of them that was touching. We humans touch when we meet, shake hands and smile even when we don't know each other. In the Spanish culture people kiss each others cheeks as a greeting, even upon meeting each other for the first time. I thought of those two trees, who have stood next to each other for years and years, like companions, old friends, but for so long had never even touched. So the following poem I wrote is about the friendship of these two trees. It is entitled "Hello, My Friend"

Hello, My Friend

I remember when we were young,
toddlers by human measure,
Green and naïve of
the storms and snow
that would come our way.
We stood side-by-side
One month becoming two, three,
until before we knew it
thirty years has passed us by.

You were always scared of the thunderstorms,
of the vicious lightening that struck
close to the core and shook
our branches till we were sore.
I wanted to hold you, to touch you
and let you know that it would be okay.
It will be okay.

I wanted to but couldn’t.
Sometimes when our leaves turned bright
fiery colors of gold and crimson,
the wind would blow a part of you my way,
and gently, just barely, I felt a whisper of you.
We spanned thirty feet apart,
but we were too young and the distance too long to reach,

until now.

Last night I said good night, slept, and this morning I woke, to find
To find,
that you and I, me and you,
we were touching. We are touching.
Hand on hand, branch on branch,
me embracing you.
It took thirty years to bridge thirty feet,
but finally, finally,
“Hello my friend, my dear old friend. It is as if I am meeting you for the first time.”

welcome home

my sister Laura is moving back to New Jersey and she just got back last night. it's nice. i felt like an only child for a while at home but i've decided i like being one of two children at home. but then

we're not really children any more are we? young adults? ..adults? Not yet. I don't think we're quite there yet.

Laura laughs at my jokes. Good to know i can still be kind of funny at times haha.

it's You
and Me
moving at the speed of light into eternity.



Marian Bantjes