Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thrive
Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?
I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive
I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in line but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up
-Thrive, Switchfoot
//feeling it this semester
Saturday, November 26, 2011
On being a dodo head
When I was little my sister would call me a dodo head because I was (am?) kind of a dork and most of the time my head was firmly set in the clouds. I was (am?) just sort of clueless. You know how some people are excellent at turning something dumb they've done into a story and getting other people to laugh about it with them, hence increasing their likability and coolness factor at being able to laugh at themselves and tell a good story? Yeah, that's not me. Most of the time I'm too embarrassed to tell the story, unless I know the person well enough and am confident enough to embellish and make them laugh. More likely than not, the situation is basically me defying common sense, and I'm ashamed that I have to be that girl. The one that makes people roll their eyes and dismiss under a pretense of aww don't worry about it, it's not a big deal when sometimes it kind of is, or has the potential to be.
Example from not so distant past:
I was supposed to meet my cousin in NYC, but conveniently forgot my cell phone. I called my mom through a pay phone to call my cousin (instead of asking her for my cousin's # to speak directly to her) and ask her location. Then I no nonsensically told my mom to tell my cousin that I'd "meet her in the middle." Then I hung up and began to walk. I promptly realized that "meet in the middle" is an ineffective way to establish a meeting location. Hit myself on the forehead in a Doh! moment.
Example from this weekend:
Went into Newark to meet up with my sister but first I had to take the bus from the train station to her dorm. There are two options to taking the bus. Option one is to buy the ticket in advance so that you do not need to worry about paying exact fare once you get on the bus. Option two is to pay once you get on. Silly me decided to combine the two options. Here's a hint: they are two different options for a reason. I got on the bus and instead of giving her my ticket showing her where I needed to go, I delivered my ticket into the slot where you're supposed to put cash. It says, "put cash here," and instead I put in my ticket. Go figure. The bus driver said, "Um, what did you just put in?" "My bus ticket," I said. She sighs, then, "You're only supposed to put money in there." Oops. Thankfully I don't think she was too mad.
Example from tonight:
I went for a run and almost got hit by a car because I wasn't paying very close attention.
I guess it's kind of funny and trivial looking back, except maybe that last example, but honestly it just makes me feel bad. One day the not so big mistakes might become a huge mistake, and what then? I always feel like I'm the brink of messing up, of missing the memo, and rather than push me towards asking for help, the opposite occurs. Since I already constantly feel in a state of vulnerability and looking behind my shoulder to make sure I didn't cause any accidents, it has stunted me from admitting my need for help and putting myself in a position to receive it. I think that this includes asking God for help, which is a huge problem, because I can't do it alone. And so I dig a deeper hole for myself because I refuse to ask for help and keep messing up and struggling and isolation and loneliness kicks in. Feeling alone is the worst feeling in the worl
d.
I just completed my first half marathon (woohoo!) and it was an awesome energy to be around the 27,000 mass of people racing in the streets. What struck me though, was the fleetingness of it all. You train, and train, and in a matter of 2 hours it's over. Fans stand near the finish to cheer their loved one on, and wait 45 minutes for a five second glimpse. After a mere six hours, everything is over, the crowds are gone, and the only remnants that 87,000+ people were in that space are the multitude of empty cups scattered across the pavement, overflowing, creature-like trash bins, and abandoned "You can do it!" signs lying near the gutter. For those few hours though, everything--the training leading up to it, the sweat, the pain, the fleetingness of the race, was all worth it. My last long run the weekend before the race was 11 miles, and because I didn't have time to do it during the day, I ran it at night. The neighborhoods near my house are really dark, because the street lights are far and in between. I mapped out an 11 mile course in advance, but I had never run down some of these roads before, and running into darkness, on unfamiliar terrain, was a bit jarring. My feet were hesitant, and every jut on the road was a surprise, because I couldn't see the ground beneath me and anticipate the cracks. It was cold, and I was operating on memory that I was going in the right direction. At one point it was pitch black and I was going down a slope in the road, the inky silhouette of a barn to my left and an empty field to my right. I felt so alone and lost, even though I knew I wasn't lost. Then I remembered in John where it talks about Jesus as the light of the world, and I have never been so thankful that Jesus is light, and not darkness. He is warm, not cold. He illuminates, even while He is a mystery. For that, I am so thankful. It got me thinking about how blessed I am--that even though I felt incredible darkness and loneliness in that moment, it was a temporary state, and the final destination was home. But is that how some people feel all the time? Like they're living in darkness and in a state of constant spiritual darkness? It must be terrifying.
That was a long babble, I know, but I figure I'd make up for the months that I haven't posted, haha. This has been one of the toughest semesters yet in terms of growing mentally, doubting myself, and discovering what kind of woman God wants me to be. I know that I have to learn to not be afraid to admit I need help and ask for it. I also know that I need to grow in compassion for people, and to desire to love others in need rather than being selfish and looking out for only myself, which I'm not doing very well either. Mostly, I need to spend more time with God. Bottom line, if I want to walk the walk I talk. And because He is the creator of the universe, all powerful, and completely deserving of worship. 'Nuff said.
and just because Tangled is awesome, I'll leave you with this video. See below the video for the highest 'liked' comment. It made me lol :) Some peoples are so funny.
Example from not so distant past:
I was supposed to meet my cousin in NYC, but conveniently forgot my cell phone. I called my mom through a pay phone to call my cousin (instead of asking her for my cousin's # to speak directly to her) and ask her location. Then I no nonsensically told my mom to tell my cousin that I'd "meet her in the middle." Then I hung up and began to walk. I promptly realized that "meet in the middle" is an ineffective way to establish a meeting location. Hit myself on the forehead in a Doh! moment.
Example from this weekend:
Went into Newark to meet up with my sister but first I had to take the bus from the train station to her dorm. There are two options to taking the bus. Option one is to buy the ticket in advance so that you do not need to worry about paying exact fare once you get on the bus. Option two is to pay once you get on. Silly me decided to combine the two options. Here's a hint: they are two different options for a reason. I got on the bus and instead of giving her my ticket showing her where I needed to go, I delivered my ticket into the slot where you're supposed to put cash. It says, "put cash here," and instead I put in my ticket. Go figure. The bus driver said, "Um, what did you just put in?" "My bus ticket," I said. She sighs, then, "You're only supposed to put money in there." Oops. Thankfully I don't think she was too mad.
Example from tonight:
I went for a run and almost got hit by a car because I wasn't paying very close attention.
I guess it's kind of funny and trivial looking back, except maybe that last example, but honestly it just makes me feel bad. One day the not so big mistakes might become a huge mistake, and what then? I always feel like I'm the brink of messing up, of missing the memo, and rather than push me towards asking for help, the opposite occurs. Since I already constantly feel in a state of vulnerability and looking behind my shoulder to make sure I didn't cause any accidents, it has stunted me from admitting my need for help and putting myself in a position to receive it. I think that this includes asking God for help, which is a huge problem, because I can't do it alone. And so I dig a deeper hole for myself because I refuse to ask for help and keep messing up and struggling and isolation and loneliness kicks in. Feeling alone is the worst feeling in the worl
d.I just completed my first half marathon (woohoo!) and it was an awesome energy to be around the 27,000 mass of people racing in the streets. What struck me though, was the fleetingness of it all. You train, and train, and in a matter of 2 hours it's over. Fans stand near the finish to cheer their loved one on, and wait 45 minutes for a five second glimpse. After a mere six hours, everything is over, the crowds are gone, and the only remnants that 87,000+ people were in that space are the multitude of empty cups scattered across the pavement, overflowing, creature-like trash bins, and abandoned "You can do it!" signs lying near the gutter. For those few hours though, everything--the training leading up to it, the sweat, the pain, the fleetingness of the race, was all worth it. My last long run the weekend before the race was 11 miles, and because I didn't have time to do it during the day, I ran it at night. The neighborhoods near my house are really dark, because the street lights are far and in between. I mapped out an 11 mile course in advance, but I had never run down some of these roads before, and running into darkness, on unfamiliar terrain, was a bit jarring. My feet were hesitant, and every jut on the road was a surprise, because I couldn't see the ground beneath me and anticipate the cracks. It was cold, and I was operating on memory that I was going in the right direction. At one point it was pitch black and I was going down a slope in the road, the inky silhouette of a barn to my left and an empty field to my right. I felt so alone and lost, even though I knew I wasn't lost. Then I remembered in John where it talks about Jesus as the light of the world, and I have never been so thankful that Jesus is light, and not darkness. He is warm, not cold. He illuminates, even while He is a mystery. For that, I am so thankful. It got me thinking about how blessed I am--that even though I felt incredible darkness and loneliness in that moment, it was a temporary state, and the final destination was home. But is that how some people feel all the time? Like they're living in darkness and in a state of constant spiritual darkness? It must be terrifying.
That was a long babble, I know, but I figure I'd make up for the months that I haven't posted, haha. This has been one of the toughest semesters yet in terms of growing mentally, doubting myself, and discovering what kind of woman God wants me to be. I know that I have to learn to not be afraid to admit I need help and ask for it. I also know that I need to grow in compassion for people, and to desire to love others in need rather than being selfish and looking out for only myself, which I'm not doing very well either. Mostly, I need to spend more time with God. Bottom line, if I want to walk the walk I talk. And because He is the creator of the universe, all powerful, and completely deserving of worship. 'Nuff said.
and just because Tangled is awesome, I'll leave you with this video. See below the video for the highest 'liked' comment. It made me lol :) Some peoples are so funny.
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