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| My adorable 96 year old grandpa eating the same meal he has every day :) |
I stumbled upon someone's blog the other day, someone who was my friend years ago in middle school when the boys we crushed on were given girl nicknames (read Brian nicknamed Brianna. Creative, I know). When every interaction was analyzed to bits and promptly assigned some "deeper", sensitive meaning. The last conversation I remember having with this girl was on the bus to our 8th grade Yosemite trip, where we sat side by side and went down her paper list of things to talk about, which she had prepared in advance. I still remember (or think I remember) the California sun glinting through the trees as our bus rolled by. We were sitting near the front of the bus. And now, 8 and some years later, she's living in NYC writing in her blog likened to Carrie's column from Sex in the City, about life in the city in your 20s. She writes about traveling, love and sex, observations about boys (masquerading as men), resolutions, and I realize that I don't know this girl any more. Of course that makes sense, since so much time has passed, but life has taken us to such different places, through such different experiences, that we are unrecognizable as our fourteen year old selves. It makes me a little bit sad, but I know it's just reality.
I've never been much of a planner or an organized dweller of the past. By organized dwelling I mean, "this year I accomplished so and so and this next year I will accomplish this and that." Okay maybe that's just called making resolutions. Haha, I totally just came up with my own pretentious phrase for it. This year I realized that I have a lot of problems rooted in sin and laziness that have developed over the years. As I was thinking about it the other day, I tried to trace it back to a time to when it started, but couldn't put my finger on it. For years now, I have been used to kind of sitting back and allowing life to happen to me, rather than putting myself out there and taking risks. Instead of pursuing things passionately I let my passions come and go on a whim. For a brief moment I'll burn with a feeling that I need to do something. Live out my faith better. Love Christ more. Read my Bible. Go on a run. It's an urge that doesn't last long, although I still want to do these things. The excuses kick in and I'm left feeling lukewarm while inside is a gnawing that there must be something more than how I'm doing what I'm doing.
I think I need to ask myself some questions and pray a heck of a lot more than I have been. When was the last time I prayed consistently for something because I wanted it so badly? When was the last time I challenged myself to take a risk and live boldly for my Savior in faith that He will fulfill His promises? What am I afraid of and where does the fear stem from? Why is it so darn hard to follow through on simple things when it comes to friendships--calling someone back, checking in continuously, just hanging out. I want to set goals and keep them. I want to know that God loves me, and be challenged and compelled by that love to give more generously, love more compassionately, and live more intentionally.
I can't say that 2012 was bad. A lot of wonderful, totally undeserving things happened. I got a job quickly post college, and though it wasn't completely what I had in mind, it has taught me to be more disciplined in my design, to see things I never saw before, and has given me a much needed reality check that I can't design like I'm a student any more. Real world application, FDA requirements and all, really matter. I'm in a relationship now with a boy who is wonderful and sweet. Who loves God and leads and encourages me to seek Him out. Who feels things so deeply that he can't fall asleep and loves classical music so much that he notices nuances in phrases that are invisible to the common ear. I'm attending an awesome church (reminder to get on becoming a member ASAP) with great fellowship and Gospel centered teachings. There is a lot to be thankful for, if I sit up and pay attention and recognize how good and gracious God is.
One final thing to be thankful for. My friend from high school recently accepted Jesus as her Savior :) I don't think I ever shared the Gospel with her, but I'm incredibly humbled and thankful that another sister or brother in Christ was more faithful than I in explaining what Jesus on the cross means for our lives. When she texted me with the news I was floored and so excited for her and her life. It made me realize that I don't feel that enough for my own life. I need to constantly remind myself, when I slip back into old sins and feel so unmarked by joy sometimes, that God has adopted me as His own and that I am given new life as well.
