life?

what does it mean Lord, to truly live?


because i got a feeling that this ain't it.

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originally i had the post at just that, but i thought that maybe i shouldn't resort to dramatic antics and instead try to sort, to shift through my feelings to maybe get to the heart of it. loneliness is something that's been with me for a while. the first time was really in middle school, in the first few weeks of 8th grade, when i just felt this emptiness well up in me and spill over. i had a good group of friends, i was doing what i usually did, but i'd go home every day crying, and i didn't understand why or how. i came to understand later that even though i was surrounded by people, i felt so alone. after another few weeks it went away, but there would be more of these moments in the future.

freshman year. a new state, a new school, a new me? i felt so out of it, and out of practice for making friends. after about a year and a half i finally felt like i had found a place at high school.

and now, now i feel it creeping up on me again. loneliness is not my friend. but i feel like it's something i've grown used to over the years, and it is no stranger. i think though, a lot of the times it's me. i take myself too seriously, and sometimes my flaws become so magnified in my head and heart that God's grace and love is squeezed out a bit. too much selfishness going on here. self pity is selfishness, and a kind of boasting too, because it's saying look at me, i'm so pitiful. pity me, feel sorry for me, and i loathe to be in that trap. i was listening to cj mahaney's sermon yesterday on troubled souls and it really struck a chord. every one has this internal conversation going on in their heads. it never ceases, even though we may be unconscious of it. and...is it a wonder we get so troubled? this internal conversation is what we hear most in our lives, and we listen to it. we're so busy listening to ourselves that we don't talk to ourselves enough. a troubled soul will tell you that you're not good enough, that God isn't powerful enough, that hope is not really there, that your friend? not really your friend. but if we talk to yourself, if we spoke truth, the Gospel into our lives, our souls would be a heckuva lot less troubled. mahaney pointed out something else that i've felt a lot too but could never really explain it. when we're praising God through song, a lot of the times it all becomes so clear in our heads. i know that after i worship, my heart is a lot less troubled, and more than once i've gone to that person that i was upset with, given them a big hug and told them that all is forgiven. why? it's because when we worship through Biblical songs, we're speaking truth into our lives as well as worshiping the Lord. praise God for that.

i know i've been rambling on and on. but the point is this...we're all going to go through loneliness, we're all going to have troubled souls at some point. but we can have the assurance that even the greatest theologians like John Edwards and Jesus' disciples had troubled souls and felt like God was far from them too. it doesn't mean that Christ doesn't love us, it doesn't mean that we have been abandoned. because He hasn't. maybe he is just pruning us, like the gardener prunes his vines. when we grow back, we'll be sweeter and be able to glorify God better, even though the pruning process can be excruciatingly painful.

so my heart is still sad, i still feel troubled and burdened and i still don't really know what to do except pray about it. but praise God anyways, for He is good.