Even though I know I am saved by grace, and grace alone, sometimes I still fall back into the works based attitude. This is the way our society functions, this kind of give and take consumerism mentality. Rewards are given for good behavior, and punishments for bad. Or if I give to and love someone, he or she will instinctually know how to give and love me back. I walk in with an unspoken expectation of how I should be treated once I give my share of affection to a person. Expectations can be both good and bad. Few expectations can mean that you think little of a person and don't expect much from the relationship while too many expectations can be too idealistic and seriously damage the relationship. Too many expectations also calls into question whether you're setting this person up on a pedestal to take God's place. The problem here is not necessarily the expectation, but the unspoken expectation. This is especially true between family members. Because they're your family, they should just KNOW, right? Wrong. My way of dealing with conflict is avoidance, not confrontation, so when I feel like I have been wronged, I hold it inside rather than expressing my hurt. I think that there are two reasons for this: 1) I don't want to cause trouble, and in a way it's easier to just (try) to let it go. 2) I have the wrong thought that sucking in my pain is the more noble path to take than mentioning it and possibly damaging the relationship beyond repair. 3) I've seen explosive anger before and it's horrible for everyone involved. I'm afraid of being that way.
Each time my feelings are hurt it accumulates in a self-righteous bank account that I bring to God and say, this person has hurt me in this way when I've tried so hard to be good to them. Help me to forgive, but also help them to realize what they did without me having to say anything so that I can avoid confrontation and makes this whole thing easier, okay? Okay, Amen.
Surely, God can convict individually, but in some situations it's like asking God for food when bread is right there on the table. Often times the person has no clue that they offended you. The person is right there, so why not express your feelings and try to reconcile? When hurt builds up and is not talked about, it can easily become resentment, and more sin is heaped on. People lash out in anger over inconsequential things because of the acquired hurt. Reconciliation is a huge part of fully forgiving someone, because each side knows what the other person did wrong, mutually acknowledges it, and forgives. The words, "I'm sorry," and, "I forgive you," are so incredibly neglected. When did we reduce the words "I'm sorry" to the half whine of a reluctant five year old forced to say sorry by monitoring adults? The power of these simple words and the meaning of it is manifested in Christ on the cross. It is my salvation. It's essential to practice sorrow and forgiveness not only to God but to fellow brothers and sisters and non-Christians. It's so hard, but often the way out is through. Through being hurt and talking about sin and being reconciled with one another. Christ never promised that it would be easy, but in the toughest parts of life, He promised to get us through them, and that we will never be alone. He's there to show us the way.
bank account is a great way to put it. what's sadder is that we end up using "I'm sorry" as a form of payment sometimes instead of pursuing an eradication of that "bank." and, on the flip side, i find that while a genuine "i'm sorry" used to be enough, it isn't anymore for me.
ReplyDeletecertainly not easy! but yes, he's there to show th way. and along the way are sisters to walk with too :). and i can tell you that, although you may not see it, you are more forgiving and christ-reflecting than you know.