Instead of a show

Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stop up my ears when you're
singing em
I hate all your show.

- Jon Foreman

Before I start, let me first make a disclaimer that this post might be messy and rambling. I'm kind of using it to sort out my thoughts and tie things together that have been circling in my brain.

Today in community groups we were studying and discussing the different types of self-righteousness and the performances we put on for others, for God, and for ourselves to justify our actions. In the process, we are lured into a false security that completely hinders our ability to apply the Gospel to our lives and minimizes the power of the cross through incorrect thinking that what we do affects how much God loves us. One of the questions we were to ask ourselves was as God thinks of you right now, what is the look on his face? I thought I knew that answer. The look on His face would be one of disappointment because I'm not good enough in so many ways. I'm prideful, jealous, perverse, spiteful, and grumble often. Instead, the answer in the booklet read, If you imagined God to be anything but overjoyed with you, you have fallen into a performance mindset. Because the gospel truth is that in Christ, God is deeply satisfied with you..based on Jesus' work, you are God's daughter. For some reason, this caught me off guard. I know I am saved by grace, not through works, but I didn't that God is okay and even rejoices with who I am, right at this moment in time. My line of thinking was that if God is glad with who I am now, then doesn't that mean I don't need to change? I equated God's satisfaction with stagnancy, like when you're stuffed and can't eat anymore, and you don't want to eat anymore because you're full. God's love however, doesn't work that way. It doesn't work on human terms. It doesn't start off small then increase to reach some kind of quota to 100%, it's just always at full. That fullness however, has no limits. He loves me the way I am, but according to my own standards, I don't think the way I am is enough, so I need to change. But it hit me that He loves me at this moment in time because it doesn't depend on what I do. That's the whole point. It doesn't mean that He doesn't want me to change and grow; it just means that who I am, good or bad, is enough, because Jesus is enough to cover it all. His desire to see us grow in our faith isn't so that He can love us more, but rather for the sake of our own joy in finding our identity through Christ alone, and using us as a vessel to build God's kingdom (which is for His joy, and therefore ours as well).

I realize that so often I put on a show. Even when I wish so badly it wasn't that way, my instinct is to put up a pretense. I'm ashamed to say that when I show my vulnerabilities to others, I'm still well aware of how others are perceiving me, and it affects the way I behave. I wish I could be completely stripped of pride and performance, and be completely honest and real, instead of a show. It acts as further evidence of my sinful nature, and how I cannot merely shed it by sheer human effort. It's just not possible. Putting on a performance to prove your righteousness not only undermines what Jesus did on the cross, but also underestimates God's ability to transform other people's lives. Let me explain. One of the reasons someone may put on a show of righteousness instead of honestly confronting the depths of their sin is a fear that other people will judge your brokenness. As Jesus transforms and reveals sin however, He also shows the depths of His grace, which should also transform our interactions with each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. To act righteous in order to cover up for ones sins because of shame or fear is a natural reaction, but it is also inadvertently saying that other Christians are not capable of not judging or understanding. Maybe we need to trust God more in what He's doing in other people's lives in addition to ours, so that we can trust each other with our burdens and have more candid conversations of what is really going on beneath the surface.

I hope my instinct to comfort won't hinder my duty to treat and care for the patient, even when that means hurting them temporarily for better results in the end. Sometimes caressing is not what people need. My friend Sharon wrote these words in her blog in application to her thoughts in med school, but I realize that it is also true in relationships. We imagine that comfort or "caress" is preferred, but it may not be what that person needs. In the same vein as what I said previously, we often assume things of God and of each other that aren't necessarily true. God wants to heal our brokenness and wipe away our shame, but just because he applies a little or a lot of pressure when we expect caresses doesn't mean He loves us any less or is unhappy with who we are.

I know that this post was a little sloppy, so feel free to challenge if any of this rings untrue or doesn't make sense. If you got through it all, thanks for reading and following along :)