Self-Visualization Project

My outer identity has always changed a little with each place that I move to. I have been all over the place, starting with West Virginia then Japan then California and finally New Jersey. Each time I moved I had to readjust, to face myself once more and ask the questions that everyone at one point has asked: Am I likeable, what are my strengths, and how do I make new friends? Even though my environments were always shifting however, one thing remained steady. My identity as a Christian and as a child of God has been with me through the years, and for that I am eternally grateful.

For my self-visualization project I want to do a mural representing all the sides of me. Humanity, I feel, is always unpredictable. We have our mood swings, our ups and downs. Even the kindest, most steady person, is not always that way. I can speak up for myself and wouldn’t call myself shy, but I have always been afraid of a lot of things and moving around has forced me to step outside my comfort zone. Childhood fears of water and clowns and my sister’s face hanging upside down on the monkey bars have evolved into something less tangible. I think that often I fear the future—what it holds and my role in life and in the lives of other people. I fear what others think of me, why I act the way I do sometimes. I know though, despite my doubts and misgivings, I am loved by the creator of the universe, which is an awesome thing.

I plan to do a four panel mural, each panel representing each place I have lived. Each panel will have a photo of me, simply standing, at each stage of my life (age 3, 8, 13, 18) looking out at the audience. There should be a gradual increase in height, showing that in each time period I am getting older, growing taller, loosing the baby fat you could say too. I want these photos to be obviously photos...something very real. Maybe they can be in black and white. Around the photo however, I will use photoshop to add buildings, food, events etc. I want many of the images however, to be personal photographs from that actual time. In this way it would actually be sort of an autobiography. Each panel would be specifically distinct from the other, but there will be a piece of string running through each panel, and on the string will be words, a Bible verse, that spans in width all four panels.

Photoshop Manipulation

My photoshop project, entitled "Spring," is a celebration of spring as we transition from winter, which is dark (the days are shorter too!) into sunlight and life from the seemingly hard, lifeless seeds. The copper lilly gradually transitions to a real lilly with green leaves. The x-ray looking seeds diminish in appearance, giving a sense of distance. The smallest x-ray seed is barely visible as it fades into something else, life, as light penetrates the darkness.



My Illustrater version is a contrast to the photoshop version in its colors while still managing to keep the same concept.

Self Portrait

Cui Xiuwen's recent series of work, entitled "Angels," portrays a young Chinese girl who is pregnant. Her face and body are repeated, sometimes a couple of times, sometimes multiplied to the point of frenzy, in each picture.
All of the faces are of the same girl and identical in their expression, muted and surreal. The repetition of the same face could either be that she is alone, or that she is one in a sea of nameless faces that have simply become a statistic or a burden to society. Her haircut is short and symmetrical with straight cut bangs, adding to the eery, robotic feel. She is ghostly pale, her white dress enhancing the effect. The only color comes from her pink stained eyes and mouth. Yet her eyes are unseeing because her eyes are closed, and she is left only with her sense of touch, arms outstretched. Or perhaps the hands signify a yearning for something to grasp on to or someone to hold. I do not think, that there is supposed to be a negative connotaion of the girl, but rather the situation that society has cast her in.

What disturbs me most are the rows of expressionless faces. If the girls are cast out of society or treated poorly, shouldn't there be some kind of sadness shown in the face? Every picture, save one, is of a girl or girls with her eyes closed. Her body is bent into all kinds of positions, from fetal to lying on the street to standing hunched over or to the side. She is almost like a puppet, bent to do the will of others. There is no shelter for her--she is always outside, next to the sky, walking in the ocean, or on a rooftop. The horizon is always in view and the environment appears to be calm or serene. Yet inside that porcelein face is a battle raging. She has become so used it however that she has learned to hide it well.
I also noticed that in some of the pictures the perspective is off. The girl is strangely large in comparison to the building behind her. Maybe her situation was too big, too strange for society to handle...she is larger than the life that people have convinced themselves to be "normal" and because she does not fit into their schema, she is no longer accepted.

Cindy Sherman, like Cui Xiuwen, positions herself in interesting positions that give a special meaning to form and gesture. In most of her photos she chooses not to look at the camera, making the photo more realistic, as if she was completely immersed in her own world. While Cui Xiuwen's photos have very similar scenarios with the same face, Sherman manages to create totally different personas and narratives while using just one person: herself. Yet each photo seems completely different in character and each character has a story to tell. The transition goes from housewife to goth to fairytale to tomboy to borderline psychotic. Many of Sherman's photos have dark lighting.

They evoke a kind of surrealism while other times...nostalgia. It as if the character is saddened by something and has fallen into darkness. Even when there is bright lighting, there is always shadow, and the light is often eerie green, yellows, or blues. There is always a backdrop that is always as important as the people in the photo. The props and surrounding provide vital information to the situation at hand. While Cui Xiuwen's buildings in the background have definite meaning, it requires one with preconceived knowledge about China's important historical buildings to understand their significance. I also think that while Cui Xiuwen is making a commentary about the role of women in China, it is one opinion she takes that she translates into every one of her "Angel" series. Sherman presents her photos from women of all walks of life. The women have expressions, the women are REAL. That's not to say that Cui Xiuwen's girl is a robot, but she represents a more generic outlook on how women are perceived. The two artists emit totally different feelings through their choice of style. I understand Cui Xiuwen's message and the girls are spooky in their unseeing eyes and chalk white skin. I find Sherman's work more intriguing however. It stirs in me something nostalgic...like the characters are l
onging for how something used to be...for another time that no longer is. Xiuwen's art is pristine and clean with even blood dripping cleanly and as a pure red. But in Sherman's photos she is not afraid to be soiled...to lie in the dirt with leaves and moss growing over her skin. It is more disturbing and makes me think a little more because the art makes me a little uncomfortable.
Frida Kahlo uses a more different approach from Xiuwen and Sherman in that instead of using photography, she uses oil to paint herself. Xiuwen's model is very feminine, and Sherman emits a lot of sexual tension in her photos as well. Kahlo's self portraits however, do not follow either trend. Rather, her portrait leans torwards masculinity. The jaw line is set and stiff with a stubborn mouth. Her eyebrows (or should I saw unibrow?) are dark and thick, arching over her firm eyes. The photos of Frida Kahlo are of a small woman who yes, has a unibrow, but is undeniably feminine. Yet, her self portrait is how she sees herself. Unlike Xiuwen or Sherman's work, all of Kahlo's portraits make direct eye contact with the audience. In the piece on the right her head is turned slightly with her pupils focused on the viewer. It makes her look slightly suspicious. It makes me wonder what she should be suspicious about. What does she need to hide? What is her story? She is both aware of someone looking at her, yet she does not seem to fully care.

Adobe Illustrator Icon

Seeds and cigarettes

Gregory Crewdson's art has a distinct style and has signature characteristics. His drawings feature people, one or a few, in a painfully detailed setting. Yet despite all the engaging things that surround the humans, they seem oblivious to life. The man on the left seems lost in the pouring rain, stranded on the side of the road, perhaps with no where to go. At the same time however, the emotions associated with a situation like that--frustration, panic, an urgency to stay dry--are missing. The man seems oblivious to the rain falling on him and his suitcase. It almost as if he has lost the ability to communicate with the world around him...to react or appreciate. In many of Crewdson's work there is a pattern of open doors (cars and bedroom doors) with a strange gleaming light that illuminates certain objects. The man is lifeless but he is surrounded by life as indicated by the lights in the store window.

Other oils by Crewdson, unlike the street piece above, are in a contained space. In this dinner scene the family members are sitting at the table but are not engaging with each other. What is interesting about Crewdson’s art is that is seems almost photo-like in its attention to detail. Photographers try to capture life and emotion through their photographs. Crewdson instead tries to capture a scene that should be animated but their faces are stoic, devoid of emotion.

Hocks’ art mixes photography and painting to create a simplistic scene revolving around one central character, the artist himself. In contrast to Crewdson’s work, Hock’s is very engaged with his surrounding and has a certain, almost childlike curiosity about his environment. In each piece Hock is the only character and is stuck in the middle of a predicament that he must solve whether it be hanging from chandeliers, escaping from a cat, or being tied down by strings like the picture above. The environment takes on a life of its own because there is no indication of any other human life besides the old man in a business suit. While Crewdson’s color choices are cool colors, Hocks’ colors have warmer hues, inviting the viewer in.

As a photographer Jeff Wall finds many different connections in what he photographs. Many of his photographs are of people on the street and in other natural situations. He is very realistic in what he chooses to shoot and pays close attention to space. In many of his photos there is a depth of deep space that goes into the background. In the photo to the left, entitled Milk, Wall uses the random explosion of the milk to contrast with the strict, tension filled patterns around it. The milk has energy and motion while everything around it remains stagnant. The bricks are orderly stacked as are the stairs in window. Even the man's posture has tension, with his left arm held rigid, muscles jutting. There is also attention paid to the horizontal vs. vertical lines. The bricks, the sidewalk, and the arm are horizontal, but the shadow between the brick walls is vertical and the left strip of wall moves in the vertical direction. The beautiful random motion of the exploding milk is a release of tension. It is never possible to have complete order. Chaos is inevitable.

Cindy Sherman, like Hock, photographs herself as the protagonist. Hock however, stays the same character despite the changes in his environment. Sherman is a different character in each of her photographs. Her appearance is altered through her wardrobe, hair, make up, and lighting. At times she interacts with the innanimate objects around her, but o
ften the shot portrays her face and body in a dramatic or emotional state. She uses body language very effectively in portraying the mood. The consistent message of all her photographs is the different roles that women have come to fulfill and be expected to fulfill from olden days when they posed for portraits to fairy tale princesses and witches to scarcely clad women of the modern era. In this photograph Sherman uses black and white to offset each other. The woman she portrays is mostly clad in dark clothing and has dark hair and makeup. Her stern expression and offensive body language also radiate a rebellioness or angry strength.

In stark contrast to the black and white shot, Sherman shoots herself as vulnerable in the above photo. Stripped of make-up and in a stance of defense, Sherman creates a sense of fearful urgency through the specific illumination of the face and the position of the hands, as if ready to run away. The messy wet hair also suggests a story.

Beauty in the Broken

My inspiration comes from finding and seeing the beautiful things in unexpected places. Even in the most broken, darkest places on Earth, there can still be life, and from that life comes beauty. Take the flower on the train tracks. It is growing among rocky terrain next to the tracks where the air is polluted and heavy with smoke. Yet somehow it found that patch of soil and the nutrients it needed to grow. Hope can spring from surprising places. God placed it there...we just have to look for it.

Art is not always about taking something beautiful and drawing or interpreting it. I think that true art requires more skill and thinking than that. It is amazing when an artist can take something ugly and show the world that there can be something special found there too.