untitled because i can't think of a good title

i looked through my last couple post and i've realized i'm pretty doom and gloom. haha i don't mean to be, honestly, but maybe i tend towards the pessimism more than the optimism, though on the outside i seem like a pretty cheerful person. it's encouraging to know that even when i'm grouchy, when i'm jealous, when i'm spiteful...God is still working in me and in the lives around me. it doesn't matter what circumstance i'm in or how good or bad i'm feeling...God is, and i love that.

brandon heath's song "give me your eyes" has been replaying in my head over and over again so maybe writing about it will help it stop. but then again..maybe it's good that it's constantly in my head because it serves as a reminder.

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Chorus
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah

I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along

this song is such a reminder that we can see so many people throughout the day, but not really SEE them. not really look to see that they're hurting. and if you can't see that someone is hurting, you can't even begin to meet their need. and how often have we pretended that everything is okay when it's really not? how many people have we fooled? sometimes it's so hard to be vulnerable and raw and real.

on my xanga xanga.com/momentzzz a long time ago i once blogged about how it made me feel so sad to see some people in the hallways looking down at the ground while walking, not meeting the eyes of people, as if they were ashamed. afraid to look into another person's face and see themselves through that person's eyes and not like what they see. looking back i realize i wrote that post with the attitude that i was not one of these people. but the truth was, i was, i have been..and sometimes i will be. because the fear of man still grips me and i'm afraid of what people will think and don't really want to know. because a lot of the times i don't like what i see in myself. because though i'm being regenerated, i still trip up. and i still gotta admit to God that i was wrong. and during those times it's so hard to face God and confess. i think it's pride or just...shame. it's like telling your parents that you did something that disappointed them. it's so hard. but the Bible says "he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6)" i'm so glad it's not up to me, because if it were...i'd be a goner.

for (maybe) the last time

My grandma is dying.
We are all dying, but she is nearing the end. She sleeps all day and eats very little, and when she is not awake, can barely muster up the energy to open her eyes. They are shut, no longer taking the world in, and the world can only nudge her to keep living, but no more. You see, the world cannot open her eyelids, make her laugh, put the spark of recognition in her eyes. Only God can. and now her eyes are dull, her shoulders droop, her head peaking out of a weary body that no longer recognizes itself. i remember two visits ago. i hadn't seen her in one or two years, and she could no longer recognize my face or say my name. i think she knew that i was family..knew that she had loved me, still did, if only she could remember why or how. she didn't remember anyone's name anymore, accept for instances of clarity where her eyes lit up and she said your name, making you laugh in relief and joy and gratitude at the sound of those syllables. but after that visit we knew not to ask any more. she simply...didn't know. we were at a family friends' house eating dinner and my aunt asked her who i was. she paused and looked blankly up, and said the only name she could remember, Eileen, her most beloved granddaughter and my favorite cousin. but eileen was not tiffany, and the tears welled up in my eyes and i couldn't stay in the room. Ecclesiastes is pressing on my heart right now.

Ecclesiastes 12

"Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
"I find no pleasure in them"-

before the sun and the light
and the moon and the stars grow dark,
and the clouds return after the rain;

when the keepers of the house tremble,
and the strong men stoop,
when the grinders cease because they are few,
and those looking through the windows grow dim;

when the doors to the street are closed
and the sound of grinding fades;
when men rise up at the sound of birds,
but all their songs grow faint;

when men are afraid of heights
and of dangers in the streets;
when the almond tree blossoms
and the grasshopper drags himself along
and desire no longer is stirred.
Then man goes to his eternal home
and mourners go about the streets.

Remember him—before the silver cord is severed,
or the golden bowl is broken;
before the pitcher is shattered at the spring,
or the wheel broken at the well,

and the dust returns to the ground it came from,
and the spirit returns to God who gave it."

This passage is telling us in our youth to remember God our creator before we grow too old to remember or be able to acknowledge Him. "Before the sun and the light and the moon and stars are not darkened" is before we lose our sight. before "the keeper of the house trembles" and we lose our teeth. before the "sound of grinding is low" and we can no longer chew our food. before "men rise up at the sound of birds, but all their songs grow faint" and our hearing fades. before "the almond tree blossoms" with it's white flowers, and our hair turns white as age creeps up behind us. before all this comes to pass, remember Christ.

i'm going to go visit my grandma before or after Urbana through a connecting flight. my parents told me to prepare for it to be the last because she's going. my beautiful grandmother. i'm so thankful though that she accepted Christ as an adult and followed Him. so thankful that before she lost consciousness of time and thoughts and faces, God knew her and she Him. and even though i'm sad that her time to leave this earth is drawing close, i know that she will enter into something more beautiful and perfect than we could ever imagine. Christ is now as we speak preparing a home for her in heaven. soon she will be able to live again.