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I just finished reading "Columbine" by Dave Cullen which was published in 2009, close to ten years after the Columbine massacre on April 20, 1999. I was only nine when Columbine happened, and the only memories I have of it is that it was a massive high school shooting by two or more people, the shooters had been bullied, and a certain girl named Cassie had answered "Yes," when asked if she believed in God, and had promptly been shot to her death. Everything I had thought was wrong, shrouded in lasting impressions of media and confused students and being too young to understand what was going on.

I picked up the book because of a book blog recommendation, and was surprised to see that it had been published just last year in 2009. Wasn't ten years kind of late to be writing a full fledged account? But it took that long to get all the facts straightened out amidst the misinterpretations, cover ups, and to digest the aftermath of the horrible shock Columbine would inflict on the nation and world. At first I questioned why I wanted to read this book. Was it merely out of curiosity? I wasn't interested in getting to know all the intimate details about the killers and their warped, perverse minds. But I wanted to know why. What could compel two teenage boys to kill so brutally. Were they insane, driven mad with rage, trying to get back at people they hated? This book answered a lot of these questions, and also left me with more.

Cullen is an extremely detailed and engaging writer, and I had to remind myself that this was not just a story. It was real; It had happened. It documents the actual day, but also the build up to April 20 and what prompted the downward spiral that ended in murder. It follows the killers in bursts, alternating between their thoughts and plans with the stories of those that died or were critically injured. By midway of the book, it was almost 4 AM and I was reading in my bed, feeling physically sick. It might have been because it was so late, but part of it was my disbelief at Eric Harris' view of the world: of his cool hatred towards all of mankind, his desire to obliterate people, undiscriminating, in mutilating, tortured deaths. Worse was his delight in it all. It was really hard to read. After years of poring over his journal, leading psychologist determined that Eric was a psychopath. There are many symptoms, but ultimately psychopaths have a lust to kill, considering everyone inferior to themselves. They are also excellent and studied liars to cover up this desire, and often conscious of their own malice but lack the normal emotions to care or show any remorse or compassion. The other killer, Dylan Klebold, was more complicated. Unlike Eric, he was not charming and rather shy, and wanted more than anything to be accepted. Eric saw uniqueness as superiority, Dylan saw it as a weakness, enough to take his own life. In Dylan's journal up to the end, he wrote constantly about wanting to belong and about love. Yes, love. Eric had been the leader, Dylan the follower. While Eric invested his time making bombs and figuring out his master plan, Dylan made little contribution but went along, and only took on a murderous outlook towards the end.

Contrary to popular belief, Eric and Dylan were not really picked on. They were the ones picking on other people. They were not loners; they had friends. The night before the shooting, they went out to eat a steak dinner with friends. Their parents were supportive of them, loved them, and disciplined them when appropriate. There had been warning signs. A former friend of Eric's had made death threats to Eric on Eric's website, and a police report was filed, but an investigation that should have continued was somehow halted. On April 20th both killers committed suicide 45 minutes into the shooting, but the SWAT team did not know this, and it took another three hours for everyone to be evacuated. Amidst all of the accounts of students, some were at first hazy, then solidified upon repetition, but unreliable. These accounts are what made it into most news stories and repeated again and again. One story was that of Cassie Bernall, who was shot and died after presumably proclaiming her faith. In fact it was another girl, and she had been shot but survived. It's true that Cassie was a Christian, and right up to her death a witness said she had been praying, but she never got a chance to utter a word to her killers. Even after the facts were set straight, Cassie's pastor declared her heroic story to be immovable. It was the story that the church stuck to, and her mother wrote a book about Cassie, entitled "She Said Yes."

And here I'll add in another opinion about Cassie's death. When the real story came out, people who had believed the previous depiction were resistant and had a hard time accepting truth. Understandable. People wanted to paint an ideal picture of her death, and to make her a martyr for Christ to bring some kind of comfort to themselves. By feeding into a lie however, it is dishonoring to Cassie herself and how she died. Cassie hadn't answered a question and said "yes" to a killer on the day of her death, but she had testified in life to becoming a Christian and saying yes to her Savior, Jesus Christ. I think that that is more than enough.

The facts were at times sickening to read, but the stories of the murdered, the injured, the families, and even the killers were heart wrenching. Sometimes I shuddered in disgust, other times I cried. I finished the book knowing a lot more about Columbine and the details around the incident, stripped of its mystery. But more then anything, I finished the book with a burden in my heart that this is not how things should be. The book carried many stories of hope, but I acutely felt the helplessness and brokenness of humanity. More then anything this book reminded me of how much we need a Savior.