there was an old lady who swallowed a...pie?

yesterday i went running with my neighbor sammy to the library, and while i was waiting for him to finish playing his computer games, i saw a book on the shelf called "there was an old lady who swallowed a pie." i did a double take because dude, it's supposed to be "there was an old lady who swallowed a FLY," not a pie. i still remember in first grade when the teacher taught it to us, and we all carried around a picture of a different animal and chanted "there was an old lady who swallowed a fly, i don't know why she swallowed a fly, perhaps she'll die!" and when you think about it it's kind of depressing, but at least you know it's kind of fictional because who swallows a cow and pig and other animals whole right? right, not possible. ANYWAYS, i was reading this book about this lady who swallows pie and perhaps dies, and it's about thanksgiving. and first she swallows a pie, then a turkey, then a pot or something, then a cake, etc. and as she eats she gets fatter and fatter and fatter until she's this big chunky nasty blob. i must mention that the first thing to get super duper big is like, the upper area of her body ahem, and it just looked really disturbing. and like, i wouldn't have minded the offensive change from fly to pie as much if she had eaten weird things, but some of these things were legit things you eat during thanksgiving. like bread or turkey. and at the end of each page it said, "perhaps she'll die." now how is that for disturbing? kids will read the book and refuse to eat thanksgiving dinner because first off, they don't want to die, even if the books says perhaps. because perhaps means there's a chance no? and they don't want to be like this monstrous old lady, rolling around on the ground, bigger than an elephant. yah no joke. so anyways, there's my rant. i'm done with this old lady.

today is thanksgiving. for some reason, i'm not feeling very thankful. i don't know, my head and heart are feeling kind of muddled, like someone dipped a spoon in and mixed everything up. i don't know if that even makes sense. it's just a feeling of restlessness, like something is going to happen (good or bad i don't know) and i'm anticipating it. but at the same time i'm not sure what i should be feeling. oh Lord, what does it all mean? i can't quite make sense of it.

a prayer that i read (first from tim shin's blog then someone else's) that comes from valley of vision: a book of puritan prayers. it's beautiful and is such an encouragement. feels like cool water to a thirsty soul.


Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,
Thou has brought me to the valley of vision,
Where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
Hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
That the way down is the way up,
That to be low is to be high,
That the broken heart is the healed heart,
That the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
That the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
That to having nothing is to possess all,
That to bear the cross is to wear the crown
That to give is to receive,
That the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
And the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;

Let me find thy light in my darkness,
Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow,
Thy grace in my sin,
Thy riches in my poverty,
Thy glory in my valley.













i long to be in this valley.

why you runnin?

today i went for a run after a week of not running (boo) and i wore my new pair of nike spandex that i got for cheap from marshalls. the latter has nothing to do with my point but i just thought i'd add it because i got them for $15 which isn't shabby at all.

so i was doing my thing, sweating buckets, when i passed this 7 or 8 year old kid holding a lacrosse stick and violently hitting it against a tree. as i ran by he yelled angrily, "why yoo runnin?!" why am I running? why are you hitting a lacrosse stick against a tree, you little punk kid?, I wanted to ask. i guess he's not old enough to know that running is indeed a sport (if you want to argue with me on that we gotta take this outside). but this kid's question made me think a little. why you runnin? why do i run? in high school i ran for the competition, but now the competition with others is gone. it's just me. am i running to hold on to that last bit of running glory days or because i'm nostalgic for it? because i don't want the pudge to pile on and see my fear of looking like a triple chinned hippopotemus come true? because i've always thought athletes were cool? or because i truly enjoy it for the pounding rhythm of the pavement, marvel at the capability of the human body, enjoy the wind and the crunch of leaves and the colors and snow and rain and the humidity as the seasons come and go? maybe it's a mix of everything.

what do i run away from in life? i run away from people's anger, their criticism. i hate being wrong and letting someone down. this became really apparent to me today in rigby's class when he asked me a question i was supposed to know the answer to, and he said, "i can't believe you didn't know that. what have you been doing in class?" and then he asked another question i didn't know the answer to, and he said, "you just keep getting lower and lower i can barely see your head." and he didn't say it in a nice considerate way...i could see his opinion of me sinking by the seconds, and it crushed me inside. and as much as i didn't want them to, tears started forming and brimming in my eyes. and he kept asking me questions for the remaining two hours of the class, and each time i wanted to cry again. i think he noticed too. they were tears of frustration. i hate being frustrated. as i walked out of class i was kicking myself. tiffany by tougher. tiffany get some thicker skin.

why do i care what rigby thinks? because i fear and respect him. i care so much about rigby's opinion of me to the point where when i do something wrong i start bawling. but what of God's opinion and approval? doesn't His count infinitely, eternally more? i wish i seeked his approval more than anyone elses. my prayer is that as more and more of God's nature is revealed to me by His grace, awesome fear would be produced.

as for the whole color theory crying incident, these verses really encouraged me to be strong despite my weakness. i am weak but God is strong, and if He is for me who can be against me?

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
- 2 Timothy 1:7

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.
- John 14:27

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
- Galatians 1:10















Fall has arrived. say hello =]

-tiffany

untitled because i can't think of a good title

i looked through my last couple post and i've realized i'm pretty doom and gloom. haha i don't mean to be, honestly, but maybe i tend towards the pessimism more than the optimism, though on the outside i seem like a pretty cheerful person. it's encouraging to know that even when i'm grouchy, when i'm jealous, when i'm spiteful...God is still working in me and in the lives around me. it doesn't matter what circumstance i'm in or how good or bad i'm feeling...God is, and i love that.

brandon heath's song "give me your eyes" has been replaying in my head over and over again so maybe writing about it will help it stop. but then again..maybe it's good that it's constantly in my head because it serves as a reminder.

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Chorus
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah

I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along

this song is such a reminder that we can see so many people throughout the day, but not really SEE them. not really look to see that they're hurting. and if you can't see that someone is hurting, you can't even begin to meet their need. and how often have we pretended that everything is okay when it's really not? how many people have we fooled? sometimes it's so hard to be vulnerable and raw and real.

on my xanga xanga.com/momentzzz a long time ago i once blogged about how it made me feel so sad to see some people in the hallways looking down at the ground while walking, not meeting the eyes of people, as if they were ashamed. afraid to look into another person's face and see themselves through that person's eyes and not like what they see. looking back i realize i wrote that post with the attitude that i was not one of these people. but the truth was, i was, i have been..and sometimes i will be. because the fear of man still grips me and i'm afraid of what people will think and don't really want to know. because a lot of the times i don't like what i see in myself. because though i'm being regenerated, i still trip up. and i still gotta admit to God that i was wrong. and during those times it's so hard to face God and confess. i think it's pride or just...shame. it's like telling your parents that you did something that disappointed them. it's so hard. but the Bible says "he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6)" i'm so glad it's not up to me, because if it were...i'd be a goner.

for (maybe) the last time

My grandma is dying.
We are all dying, but she is nearing the end. She sleeps all day and eats very little, and when she is not awake, can barely muster up the energy to open her eyes. They are shut, no longer taking the world in, and the world can only nudge her to keep living, but no more. You see, the world cannot open her eyelids, make her laugh, put the spark of recognition in her eyes. Only God can. and now her eyes are dull, her shoulders droop, her head peaking out of a weary body that no longer recognizes itself. i remember two visits ago. i hadn't seen her in one or two years, and she could no longer recognize my face or say my name. i think she knew that i was family..knew that she had loved me, still did, if only she could remember why or how. she didn't remember anyone's name anymore, accept for instances of clarity where her eyes lit up and she said your name, making you laugh in relief and joy and gratitude at the sound of those syllables. but after that visit we knew not to ask any more. she simply...didn't know. we were at a family friends' house eating dinner and my aunt asked her who i was. she paused and looked blankly up, and said the only name she could remember, Eileen, her most beloved granddaughter and my favorite cousin. but eileen was not tiffany, and the tears welled up in my eyes and i couldn't stay in the room. Ecclesiastes is pressing on my heart right now.

Ecclesiastes 12

"Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
"I find no pleasure in them"-

before the sun and the light
and the moon and the stars grow dark,
and the clouds return after the rain;

when the keepers of the house tremble,
and the strong men stoop,
when the grinders cease because they are few,
and those looking through the windows grow dim;

when the doors to the street are closed
and the sound of grinding fades;
when men rise up at the sound of birds,
but all their songs grow faint;

when men are afraid of heights
and of dangers in the streets;
when the almond tree blossoms
and the grasshopper drags himself along
and desire no longer is stirred.
Then man goes to his eternal home
and mourners go about the streets.

Remember him—before the silver cord is severed,
or the golden bowl is broken;
before the pitcher is shattered at the spring,
or the wheel broken at the well,

and the dust returns to the ground it came from,
and the spirit returns to God who gave it."

This passage is telling us in our youth to remember God our creator before we grow too old to remember or be able to acknowledge Him. "Before the sun and the light and the moon and stars are not darkened" is before we lose our sight. before "the keeper of the house trembles" and we lose our teeth. before the "sound of grinding is low" and we can no longer chew our food. before "men rise up at the sound of birds, but all their songs grow faint" and our hearing fades. before "the almond tree blossoms" with it's white flowers, and our hair turns white as age creeps up behind us. before all this comes to pass, remember Christ.

i'm going to go visit my grandma before or after Urbana through a connecting flight. my parents told me to prepare for it to be the last because she's going. my beautiful grandmother. i'm so thankful though that she accepted Christ as an adult and followed Him. so thankful that before she lost consciousness of time and thoughts and faces, God knew her and she Him. and even though i'm sad that her time to leave this earth is drawing close, i know that she will enter into something more beautiful and perfect than we could ever imagine. Christ is now as we speak preparing a home for her in heaven. soon she will be able to live again.

mistakes

how many mistakes do we make in life? unfortunately, many. today i made a mistake, not a big one, but still a mistake.

i sold a book through half.com and the girl asked for expedited mail, so when i went to the post office i said "expedited mail please" and the lady said that would be $17.50 (wtheck!) because expedited mail means that the person receives it the day after you send it. ...but i figured this was what the girl wanted because she was in a huge hurry to get the book, and i figured half.com would reimburse me anyways. wrong. half.com's definition of expedited mail is sending it out 1-3 days earlier than normal, so you'd have to pay like, an extra two bucks to do that. USPS' definition is ship it out as fast as humanly possible so that the person gets it the next day. so i paid an extra $12 bucks, and when i figured out my mistake an hour later, it was too late. a waste of twelve dollars...i felt like i had lost something even though twelve bucks isn't a ton of money. still, i was thinking of all that i could have done with that extra twelve dollars. MY 12 dollars. i could have bought 9 pints of halo ice cream, gotten a nice on sale shirt from gap, saved it up, and the list goes on. and all this was going through my head because i felt like it was my money. All mine. And i had a right to do whatever i wanted with it. but as i was driving back (i seem to do a lot of thinking in the car), i realized it's not my money. it's God's. He's the one that provided it. so i apologized to God for wasting his money and tried my hardest not to feel resentful that i had spent an unneeded twelve dollars.

hey and who knows? maybe like me, this girl's classes start tuesday and she HAS to have the book by then. and if she gets it monday she will be so so thankful and amazed that it came so on time. and maybe this would save her a lecture from her parents asking why yet again, her books came in late. and maybe her teacher is super strict and checks to see that everyone has their books on the first day. and after the first day, there's already a reading assignment, and thank goodness she has her book which was sent on saturday and came on monday. maybe i will make this girl very happy. or maybe she won't give it a second thought. so many maybe's...so few definitely's.

i hate losing money, but i think i have to let it go more. i think it's time to tithe tomorrow. i keep forgetting, but maybe this incident will serve as a more permanent reminder.

classes start tuesday!

today i gave everyone the stink eye

so today i went into new york with my dad and i felt like i was giving everyone i met the stink eye. i couldn't think of a better term so i drew on juno where i remember them mentioning a girl in there with a funny looking face that makes it look like she's always giving the stink eye.

SO, what does a stink eye mean?
well since i couldn't find a definition in the normal dictionary, this is what i found on urban dictionary:

	stink eye
	a surfer term meaning a glare or lingering dirty look ie: when that dude stole my wave I gave him total stink eye

and what does it look like? something like this:












that's pretty much the way my face looked this morning when i woke up. a misquito bit me right under the eye and my whole eye swelled up, making my eye smaller then it already was, red, and puffy. i won't put a picture up..it's not very attractive.

but other than that, NY was fun! haha. there was this really interesing exhibit called "waste not" that showcases an old chinese woman's belongings that she collected over a lifetime. She never threw anything away because growing up poor in China, she always saved everything in case there was ever a need for it. So she never threw away bottles, tooth paste containers, floss containers, shoes, watches, hats, string, plastic bags..well you get the point.

what a world

included some pictures from my trip to d.c. haven't really been any where this summer so my wonderful cousin Eileen and i drove down this weekend. i don't have enough motivation to plan these trips myself so thank goodness for her. i wish i could take this initiative but...well i guess i'll just have to try harder haha.

d.c. was amazing. i've forgotten how fun it is to travel and see the sights and go on unexpected adventures. we went to "china town" only to find that china town was really just american restaurants with the chinese signs next to the english signs. ie: Chipotle, Subway, and every other american restaurant in the book. except it was china town because there are chinese words next to it. cue bewildered expressions from Eileen and i as we walked down the street desperately looking for a dirty chinese restaurant with scrumptious food. and there were no chinese people walking on the streets! haha. going to all those memorials made me feel so small, but in a good way. america's history is only like, 200 years old, which is relatively short compared to other countries, but i was still in awe of those memorials and old documents. it made me feel like a speck in history. i'm so excited for the people to come after us who get to see the documents when they're 300, 400 years old! coool i wish i could be them. i already feel like a speck in history next to those old statues...i'd feel like a microscopic fiber next to God. well..maybe more along the lines of invisible. sorry my nonscientific mind can't come up with a comparison that is super duper small. how amazing it is to be a part of history..WE'RE a part of history, if only for a blink of an eye.