so i was doing my thing, sweating buckets, when i passed this 7 or 8 year old kid holding a lacrosse stick and violently hitting it against a tree. as i ran by he yelled angrily, "why yoo runnin?!" why am I running? why are you hitting a lacrosse stick against a tree, you little punk kid?, I wanted to ask. i guess he's not old enough to know that running is indeed a sport (if you want to argue with me on that we gotta take this outside). but this kid's question made me think a little. why you runnin? why do i run? in high school i ran for the competition, but now the competition with others is gone. it's just me. am i running to hold on to that last bit of running glory days or because i'm nostalgic for it? because i don't want the pudge to pile on and see my fear of looking like a triple chinned hippopotemus come true? because i've always thought athletes were cool? or because i truly enjoy it for the pounding rhythm of the pavement, marvel at the capability of the human body, enjoy the wind and the crunch of leaves and the colors and snow and rain and the humidity as the seasons come and go? maybe it's a mix of everything.
what do i run away from in life? i run away from people's anger, their criticism. i hate being wrong and letting someone down. this became really apparent to me today in rigby's class when he asked me a question i was supposed to know the answer to, and he said, "i can't believe you didn't know that. what have you been doing in class?" and then he asked another question i didn't know the answer to, and he said, "you just keep getting lower and lower i can barely see your head." and he didn't say it in a nice considerate way...i could see his opinion of me sinking by the seconds, and it crushed me inside. and as much as i didn't want them to, tears started forming and brimming in my eyes. and he kept asking me questions for the remaining two hours of the class, and each time i wanted to cry again. i think he noticed too. they were tears of frustration. i hate being frustrated. as i walked out of class i was kicking myself. tiffany by tougher. tiffany get some thicker skin.
why do i care what rigby thinks? because i fear and respect him. i care so much about rigby's opinion of me to the point where when i do something wrong i start bawling. but what of God's opinion and approval? doesn't His count infinitely, eternally more? i wish i seeked his approval more than anyone elses. my prayer is that as more and more of God's nature is revealed to me by His grace, awesome fear would be produced.
as for the whole color theory crying incident, these verses really encouraged me to be strong despite my weakness. i am weak but God is strong, and if He is for me who can be against me?
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
- 2 Timothy 1:7
Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.
- John 14:27
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
- Galatians 1:10
Fall has arrived. say hello =]
-tiffany
