http://www.deviantart.com/#/d2z0yx3
I know I've probably posted about this before, but I'm learning more and more how much of a scared individual I really am. I was not taught this way; my dad is boisterous and brave when it comes to confronting or talking with people. He goes after what he wants and diligently studies topics that he's interested in, pursuing them over the span of years to perfect his interests. He's not afraid to ask, to act. Me? For some reason I am scared, crazy scared to put myself out there. I guess to some extent we all are, but it holds me back from just being me and being comfortable and straightforward with people. This fear manifested itself when I was little, and it is has been a consistent streak through my life. Everyone has their fears when they're little, but I let it dictate my actions instead of learning to conquer them. In our West Virginia house, the kitchen was attached to the stairs that led downstairs, where it was pretty dark. My seat at the dinner table clearly showed that dark stairwell, and I was so afraid that clowns, yes clowns, would peek around the corner and come up the stairs and into the kitchen. Clowns, of course, scared me. For the longest time I had to eat in my room because I was so afraid of these imaginary clowns. When my parents hired a babysitter, I cried the entire time she was babysitting. When my parents came home the babysitter said never again, and my parents had no choice but to call my grandparents in Florida to come take care of me for a couple of years. Day care hadn't worked because I just cried the whole time as well. I was also scared of water when I was a child, so whenever we went to the beach or the pool I would stretch out my arms to try to prevent people from going into the water, and when they did I would start to cry. Scared, crazy scared. Of strange people, of the new, unfamiliar. There was no "getting used to it" for me...I just couldn't, or chose not to. Now it's different, more hidden because we're supposed to cover it up and act like it's all together, but inside the great unease is still there. I am afraid of people, yes people. I guess I'm afraid of being judged, but I'm also concerned with how I'm perceived, whether or not I'll be liked, whether they'll like someone better than me because maybe I'm not interesting or clever or funny enough. Instead of crying now, I avoid. Avoid because it's so much easier than trying, but I always remember, and I am a slave to my own fear.
This weekend was the Restored conference, and we were expecting a huge turnout. Reality didn't meet expectations though, and only about 50-70 people came. It was discouraging, but God still blessed it nonetheless. Shane and Shane led worship and it was so true to who God is. Pastor Tullian Tchividjian was such an amazing speaker, and he really helped me to see how important and central the Gospel is to Christians. It sounds so obvious but I feel like, myself included, Christians think of the Gospel as the initial step, and then move on. We treat it like A-B when it really is the A-Z of this life that God has given us on Earth. The Gospel is a constant reminder to how we have been called to love others in light of Jesus on the cross. It's so important to remind ourselves of the Gospel each and every day to strike down the other idols and voices in our life. I really loved this one thing that Pastor Tullian said. It's so easy to seek and want the approval of others. It feeds our pride and makes us feel good, but it becomes a huge idol because we begin to need it to feel happy and satisfied with ourselves. Through recent events in his life, he came to recognize this idol and to turn back to God for everything he needs. Because he already has everything he needs in Jesus, he doesn't need to seek the approval and nod of everyone else to be fulfilled. He has nothing to lose, because no one can take anything away from Him if all his hope and needs are stored up in Christ. It also allowed him to love other people more, because he could love without expecting anything in return. He was set free from expecting or feeling entitled to receive love back, because he doesn't need their love in order to be complete. This was truly a revelation to me and so incredibly convicting as well.
It's okay to not be okay, because God is okay, more than okay. He is wonderful and all powerful and loving, and my name is written on His heart. I know that while in heaven he stands, no tongue can bid me thence depart. So I am still so crazy scared, but it's okay because I'm even more crazily loved, and this truth, the Gospel, shall set me free.
