behind the tree

i see the most beautiful and quirky poetry when i go running. let me explain.

my run the other day felt horrible. my legs were like slugs, heavy and oozing slowness, but nevertheless it still felt good to sweat and know that i tried. i'd like to think life can be like that sometimes...that during the trial it feels so rotten, so incredibly hopeless, but when it's done you can look back and say, "wow. by the grace of God i made it through," and that is truly beautiful even if it sucked along the way. after my run i was stretching by a tree that was right in front of me. across the street from me was a sidewalk, and i noticed two people, a boy and a girl, walking towards each other. they looked like they recognized each other but i couldn't quite tell. as they were walking towards each other they met perfectly behind the tree blocking my vision. and then they stopped. and all i could see was that tree, with no one going either way. i didn't see the hug that might have happened, perhaps the peck on the cheek. but a moment later they walked away hand in hand. if i had been two inches to the right or left of that tree trunk, it would have been another ordinary scene of a couple meeting and walking away together. but oh for that tree trunk. it turned it into poetry or good music, intricately and deliberately composed.

a while ago i was listening to a piper sermon about when you're in despair, your heart is troubled, and God feels so distant. you cry out to feel Christ again, to yearn for His presence and peace and joy. Psalm 42:1 "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God." i remember when i was young we sang As the Deer almost every week, but I never really thought about what that meant, what that feels like. If you're a long distance runner, after running a good 10-12 miles in the summer heat, you KNOW what it feels like to be truly thirsty. your throat screams for water, cold, hot, lukewarm, it doesn't matter. and as you take that first sip,your whole body gives a sigh of relief. it is like a dry, cracked desert embracing a summer rain. to desire Christ that much...i wish i felt that more. too often i am apathetic, putting things off, filling the God shaped hole in my heart with lesser things. worthless next to My Creator. why do i keep doing it?

i realize that i've been heavy on the similes and metaphors for this post...from "legs like slugs" to "my soul pants for you like a deer pants for water" (though that's the Bible, not written by yours truly thanks very much) to a "dry cracked desert." who do i think i am, emily dickinson? hah hah hah. i have this prideful tendency to think i'm some deep, witty person (not in person, on paper!) but this is truly not the case. at least i hope i'm not writing a blog just to hear myself speak. i don't want that, but cringingly ( don't think that's even a word), sometimes this is so.

my sister got into dental school!
hurrah! this is some very good news! :) go brilliantly smart and hard-working sister! how i aspire to work and be as proactive as you are...sigh.

hiding

i have been hiding, really. Hiding behind my television, behind my family, behind myself. And amidst all this hiding i know that God desires those quiet times with me and that he sees me, but shame and fear and a lukewarm heart drives a wedge into my relationships, both with God and with other people. so this is my prayer: Oh Lord, would you take away the idols in my life that i turn to, and instead of hiding in them, that i would hide in you. take away all the safety nets that aren't found in You. i pray for prayer, for grace, for a stirring of my heart that only You can do. For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb, and all the days of my life are in your hands.

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
with songs of deliverance
whenever I am afraid
I will trust in you
I will trust in you

Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength
of the Lord
I will trust in you

i struggle with:

myself
God
understanding
why?
evolving and
changing
joy
love
peace
the past
the future
how?


maybe i should just give it up//surrender to the one who really knows how//to take care of it all.